Why bikinis are evil

I’ve never been a big fan of the bikini. Even back in the day when I had a terrific figure I preferred a well cut one piece to a bikini. I mean let’s face it, bikinis are sort of evil. They can be so unkind and yet look so cute, much like a mother in law. They speak volumes with just one look, just like a mother in law. Unless you have the perfect body (and what woman thinks she does) you can’t feel totally comfortable in a bikini, much like your in laws house.

Take a look at the bikini top. No other article of clothing leaves a woman fearing that the public might see her third (or in my case fourth and fifth) breasts. I’m sure the bikini top wasn’t designed to be worn at the shoulders in the back because the boobs and cleavage are dragging the front down.

The bottoms are no better. I’m pretty sure that noone over the age of twelve has cheeks small enough to stay covered by the bikini bottom. And the waistband of the bikini bottom just doesn’t work well for those of us that have let our waist waste away so much that our stomachs hang over the top of the bottom piece. Bikinis are totally cruel to thighs. May thunder strike me as it has my thighs before I ever wear a bikini out in public.

And in between the top and bottom we have the stomach. My inny belly button is struggling so hard to escape the surrounding fat that it’s almost become an outie. I have more streaky stretch marks than one of those ugly modern art paintings that look like it was created by an unsupervised toddler with a palette and a brush.

When I want to go swimming now I put on my one piece suit, walk three houses and swim in my Mom’s pool. After all, she’s loving and compassionate and won’t stare and laugh at me. And she’s also familiar with the evil mother in law syndrome.

Boca has created a Balanced Living group. This group was created with the goal of helping to encourage and teach people how to eat better and live better. A balanced life would certainly be a healthier life. Members and visitors of the group can find and share ideas and tips on healthier living.
Suddenly I feel the need to start going to the gym. After all, I’ve been paying for the membership for ten years and have only gone three times. I’ll call and ask my Mom if she wants to go with me since she’s a member too. Right after I have some dessert.

“This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by BOCA.”

Filed Under: Family • Food • Health • House and home • Life

Tags: parent bloggers network, weight